Monday, March 28, 2016


One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to
his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my
hands three sermons......
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'
How to create a weight-loss program:
(1) Take a before picture.
(2) Eat like a pig.
(3) Take an after picture.
(4) Switch the pictures......
Communism first took off in the insect
world when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There's lots of nice people up there to eat.
It was August 2016 and Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
were engaged in a heated debate live on CNN.
Hillary was flouting her "political experience" thorough
out the debate.
After several heated exchanges, Hillary confronted the
Don "What the heck would you do when you get that call
at 3:00 AM?"
The Don, without a blink of an eye responded "I would
pick up the phone and say 'Hello Jake from State Farm''
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He was leaving messages around the house for days.
An expedition to South America to find and photograph
the rare and legendary Foo bird was told by their guide
that it was very important to avoid being pooped on by
the Foo bird at all cost.
On the third day the photographer was hit in the face
with the most rancid vile feces of any living animal.
He grabbed his handkerchief and started to wipe his
face when the guide screamed at him to stop, he said
that the excrement must be allowed to fall off naturally
or the photographer would suffer an agonizing
prolonged death.
The photographer dismissed the warning as an
unfounded superstition and wiped his face.
It took him over three hours to die.
The moral to this story, ''When the Foo shits wear it.''
An old lady walks into a Catholic church just as the priest
is coming down the aisle swinging an incense pot.
She says: "Father, I love your dress, but do you know
your handbag's on fire?"
They say that God has existed from the beginning
and will exist beyond the end of time.
Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?