Thursday, March 17, 2016


A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that
the most common form of marriage proposal these
days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
"You sure about this?"
"I swear to God, dude said there's a 250ft ferrets wheel
here somewhere."
A guy asks his boss for the afternoon off work.
"Why do you want the time off"? asks the boss.
"My wife is going to have a baby" replies the man.
"No problem" says the boss and away the man goes.
The next day the boss asks the man "So is it a boy or a girl"?
"Oh it takes 9 months" replies the man.
Don’t let them fool you.
Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.
"You always overreact and make things dramatic.
It's really annoying."
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who
told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he
found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other
had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth
anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy
named Martin Luther."
There was this international contest for the best life
insurance policy.
Bob Barker was the host
Contestant No. 1 (from an American firm):
"I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says, "Let’s hear it for good old
American values."
Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 (from a German firm):
"I will insure your child from womb to  tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 (from an English firm):
I will top them all.
I will insure your child, Bob from conception to expiration.
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh
with him.
Contestant No. 4 (from a Japanese firm):
"I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm
to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
Contestant No. 5. (The Filipino. )
A dignified 5'2? executive with a slight beer belly,
wearing a polo barong, of course,
and holding an imitation leather clutch bag:
"I will insure your child sir, from erection to resurrection!"
I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden
people are acting like they like you...
I went online to become a private detective.
It was a private detective school online, and I paid online.
But then I never heard from them again.
I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my
first case.
"Anonymous" just declared war on The Donald...
The Donald is now protected by the Secret Service.
Seems like anonymous should just ask their new boss
for A job...