A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle.
Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him.
It was a lion.
He started to back up and heard a noise from behind.
Sure enough, it was another lion.
He looked to his left and then to his right.
You guessed it, lions were on both sides.
It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he
was and started to read his Bible.
Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped
the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story:
Never read between the lions.
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red
"I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure
and it's from my family."
"Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor.
"Neither, my wife's side."
"What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be.
How can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should
meet them sometime!"
-I totally take back all those times I didn't
want to nap when I was younger.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line,
"I don't need to drink to have fun."
Great, no one does.
But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in
each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
A woman went to France ...... on a wine tasting vacation,
but drank too much, fell from her hotel window and
ended up in a body cast.
She vowed to never again get plastered in Paris.
You're a true Redneck when:
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You think sexy lingerie is a T-shirt and boxer shorts.
You think the four major food groups are beef,pork,beer,
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
Your school classes were cancelled because of heat.
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
You've seen all the biggest bands.........
ten years after they were popular.
"Vacation" means going to a family reunion.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the highway....
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to
"I have nothing else to say".
I don't have an inner child.
I have an inner old person
who wants everyone to shut up.
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ generally mean the same thing
– except at funerals.
Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report
for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and
the invasion of Normandy.
“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it
something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.