If you don't like the way you look naked, remember;
by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's
If someone shows up at my house unannounced,
I won't open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
In an incredible turn of events we've been informed that
the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken
for Ted Cruz..
When I was younger I wanted to rule the world.
Now I just want to spell words close enough that
autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying....
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mama said,
"What a treasure!" And your dad said, "Let's go bury it!"
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen...
Just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.
Now they tie themselves.
Man who confuse food processor with word processor
end up mincing words...
The first time I rode in a limousine, I got a little silly and
started mooning out the window.
The driver eventually stopped and told me I was upsetting
the other mourners.