Wednesday, March 16, 2016


If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with
intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and
"Why are you so excited?" the surgeon asked the patient
that was about to be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
Game warden is wandering through woods.
He hears some shots off in the distance and walks up
on a bunch of gypsies.
He sees that they have shot a bald eagle.
He quickly tells them that it is illegal to shoot bald
eagles and asks them why they did it.
Well sir they explained we are a simple people and don't
waste anything.
We were planning on having him for dinner.
The game warden is flabbergasted, but curious and
asks just what does a bald eagle taste like.
Oh, something like a cross between a whooping crane
and a spotted owl.
Please! There’s no need to interact with me.
I’m just here to observe."
-me in every social situation ...
Congress.... True terror is to wake up one morning and
discover that your high school class is running the country.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a
phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.
As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come
dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right..... My last four scores were seven years ago."
I can totally keep secrets.
It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him
to leave me.
When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to
get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually
stay on this hanger....
It was another uneventful day at the sperm bank.
Only two men made appointments - one came on the bus
and the other missed the cup.
Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make
themselves look perspicacious?