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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of an
airplane.
Until he hit the ground....
••
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to
remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is
the second-best policy.
••
Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were
riding in Bubba's brand new truck one morning.
Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man.
Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit
out of him.
Man - "Hold on, this is unfair.
There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."
Bubba - "You're right.
Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
Buck - "But now it's three vs. two."
Bob - "You go home old man, we'll sort this out."
••
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the
kids on my lawn.
•
ME: *vaping*
FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope....
••
"suggestions" to women:
-Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up,put it down.
-Never buy a "new" brand of beer because it was on sale.
-Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.
-Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
-Please don't drive when you're not in the driver's seat.
-If you think fat,you probably are. Don't ask us.
-Yes,pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing
from point blank range: we're bound to miss sometimes.
-Women wearing Wonderbras or low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
••
Kid:
I can't sleep, there's a monster under my bed!
Me:
There's no such thing as......
Aghh.. argh... It's got me it got me...
Just joking, it only eats kids...Night!
••
Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum,
lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.
••
I am going bananas.
That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.
••
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of
popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war
against the machines begins.
••
I follow the Men's handbook on house cleaning.
Any dirt that isn't visible, doesn't exist.
••••
