Thursday, March 24, 2016


During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night
I'm a little bit more open minded......
Birthdays are okay, but too many can kill you.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me-
*therapist jumps*
wife *resting after surgery*
 me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon]
They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"...
We were so poor, all I had to wear as a boy
were hand-me-downs.
Sadly, I had five older sisters.
ME: Dave's coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe*.... I don't eat peas..
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so
there's no evidence that we live like circus monkeys
the other 364 days of the year!
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an
anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today."
the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Magician: "Think of a card."
 Me: "Okay."
 Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!"
 Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."
My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored
by a child in Africa.
Did you hear about the Redneck's Rubik's cube?
It's white on all sides.
It takes a Redneck twenty minutes to solve...