Down Hummingbird Lane

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During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night
I'm a little bit more open minded......
 

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Birthdays are okay, but too many can kill you.

 

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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

 

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wife *resting after surgery*
 me
 wife
 me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon]
They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"...

 

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We were so poor, all I had to wear as a boy
were hand-me-downs.
Sadly, I had five older sisters.

 

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ME: Dave's coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair
with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe*.... I don't eat peas..
 

 

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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so
there's no evidence that we live like circus monkeys
the other 364 days of the year!

 

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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an
anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today."
the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

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Magician: "Think of a card."
 Me: "Okay."
 Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!"
 Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."

 

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My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored
by a child in Africa.

 

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Did you hear about the Redneck's Rubik's cube?
It's white on all sides.
It takes a Redneck twenty minutes to solve...
 

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