Saturday, March 5, 2016


Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of
A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than
one serving in it...
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers:
Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov....
The world's greatest charade player brags that he can
guess any charade.
A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a
TV special.
He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million
dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.
The charade player agrees.
Comes the big night, all the world is watching.
The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain.
Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude
young women.
The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts,
while the other five have their backs to him and are baring
their behinds.
The charade player barely glances over them and says,
"The Radetsky March, by Richard Strauss".
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it!
That's the correct answer.
You are indeed the greatest charade player!", and hands
him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask
him how he did it.
"It's really simple", says the charade player.
"One look at the positions of the seven women, and I
recognized it as the Radetsky March, which goes: rump...
titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."
(On phone) friend: I just ran a marathon in under four?
Me: (eating) months or years?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I'm late.
Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit ...
No matter who wins the presidential election,
it will be historic.
We'll either have the first female president, the first
Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or
the last president.?
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a
moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded
in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came
home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver
a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning!
He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed.
"We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be
held against them as they ran for President but now
there's Trump so I guess not.
pet store]
COP: someone's been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing.... *shirt starts barking*
"Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!"
Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent.....