Thursday, March 3, 2016


[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
"Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in
your phone?"
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look
at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your
bedside table for a refreshing morning game of
Russian Roulette..
" I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Doctor: "Next time try removing the candles."
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven,
they'd leave that one on too......
Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever”
during an argument.
Is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a
top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other
peanuts to eat??
Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people
join together to solve the problems they never had before.
For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions,
now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
SECURITY GUARD: "Sir, I have to check all backpacks"
ME: "ok"
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*