Monday, March 7, 2016

# 3000


My housekeeping style is best described as....
"There appears to have been a struggle"
If anybody can think of a better fish pun,
let minnow.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a
member of a rock band long enough one will just
form around you eventually.
"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or
initiating combat. Coincidence?
One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was
being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The guy at Chipotle couldn't close my burrito.
He looked up at me.
I looked at him.
I whispered, "It's not your fault."
He wept in my arms.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the
house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever.
I had a good run."
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically
on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will.
He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake
was that it was the most interesting aspect of my
PowerPoint presentation.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally
sat on it.
Anyway, that's my story & I'm sticking to it.
The prime minister of India was at the White House.
One embarrassing moment was when President Obama
said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my
'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get
through on the tech line.'