Thursday, March 31, 2016


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up
at school.
Worse news:
I'm a bus driver..........
Don't ask me for directions... 
I got lost on an elevator once.
Gina said to her daughter Amy, "What kind of a guy is this
new boyfriend of yours?....... Is he decent?"
Amy replied, "Yes, Mom.
He is very decent and well regarded.
He is a miser, never touches booze, does not smoke,
has a sweet wife and four adorable well-behaved kids."
Do I believe in climate change?
Uhh yeah I believe… it DOESN’T EXIST AHH HAHA
(a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HA,ha,ha, hey fire bird...
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while...
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag]
Uh good
A Newfie aunt was knitting her young nephew
some socks.
Then she got a letter from the boy's mother saying that
he had grown another foot since she last saw him.
So she started knitting him a third sock.
I wonder how many people come visit our country and then
immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.
Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy,
but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked
things uneven.
Anyone who eats fish and chips every day is a
creature of halibut.


Wednesday, March 30, 2016


Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren't free samples.
I know that now.
Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication
and stamina to eat a whole cake!
I'd like to return this pack of gum.
They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids.
Someone ate some.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles....
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court
but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like
"Damn, that name's way cooler."
DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard,
Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian...
I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong.
It was just a guy who looked like him.
What's the difference between a shower curtain and
toilet paper?
If you don't know, I'm never having you over my house
to use the bathroom!
Our relationship with ants is weird.
Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?"
and we're all, "No you will not."
You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found
lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.


Tuesday, March 29, 2016


Madonna's last movie was so bad,
that even when it was shown on a plane people got
up and walked out.
The man of the house was getting frustrated with his yard.
The grass just wasn't growing, wasn't green and lush like
he had expected.
He tried weed-n-feed, extra watering, and reseeding.
His grass just wouldn't grow.
The angry man sat down in the middle of his yard, and
yelled out, "Why aren't you happy, grass, I've done
everything for you!"
The grass replied, "Because I'm just not in the mood, dude.
Don't you know what I am? I am crab grass!
Now leave me alone, I am really not in the mood!"
My wife came home from the beauty salon...
I asked if the salon was closed...
I don't remember much else after that...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven
are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
"Someone offered me grapes, but I declined .
I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form."
Woman calls her mother-in-law:
"Mum, who's duty is it to change the child if it poos itself?
Is it the dad or the mum?"
"It's the mum."
"OK, so could you come over please?
Your son got drunk and he's just shit himself."
Police on bikes arresting someone:
"You're under arrest.
Get in the basket"
 My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to
bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.......
 Screw those kids.
Let’s all take a minute and be thankful that bugs
aren’t the same size as us..
Check if your cocaine is good, mix in vinegar.
If it makes a volcano, its baking soda.
If not, your drugs is ruined.
Drugs are always bad..


Monday, March 28, 2016


One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to
his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my
hands three sermons......
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'
How to create a weight-loss program:
(1) Take a before picture.
(2) Eat like a pig.
(3) Take an after picture.
(4) Switch the pictures......
Communism first took off in the insect
world when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There's lots of nice people up there to eat.
It was August 2016 and Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton
were engaged in a heated debate live on CNN.
Hillary was flouting her "political experience" thorough
out the debate.
After several heated exchanges, Hillary confronted the
Don "What the heck would you do when you get that call
at 3:00 AM?"
The Don, without a blink of an eye responded "I would
pick up the phone and say 'Hello Jake from State Farm''
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He was leaving messages around the house for days.
An expedition to South America to find and photograph
the rare and legendary Foo bird was told by their guide
that it was very important to avoid being pooped on by
the Foo bird at all cost.
On the third day the photographer was hit in the face
with the most rancid vile feces of any living animal.
He grabbed his handkerchief and started to wipe his
face when the guide screamed at him to stop, he said
that the excrement must be allowed to fall off naturally
or the photographer would suffer an agonizing
prolonged death.
The photographer dismissed the warning as an
unfounded superstition and wiped his face.
It took him over three hours to die.
The moral to this story, ''When the Foo shits wear it.''
An old lady walks into a Catholic church just as the priest
is coming down the aisle swinging an incense pot.
She says: "Father, I love your dress, but do you know
your handbag's on fire?"
They say that God has existed from the beginning
and will exist beyond the end of time.
Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?


Sunday, March 27, 2016


A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. 
Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. 
It was a lion. 
He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. 
Sure enough, it was another lion. 
He looked to his left and then to his right. 
You guessed it, lions were on both sides. 
It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he 
was and started to read his Bible. 
Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped 
the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: 
Never read between the lions. 

A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy, very red 
"I know," said the patient, "it's from high blood pressure 
and it's from my family."
"Your mothers side or fathers side?" questioned the doctor.
"Neither, my wife's side."
"What do you mean?" the doctor said, "That cannot be. 
How can you get it from your wife's family?"
"Oh yeah, definitely," the patient responded, "you should 
meet them sometime!"

-I totally take back all those times I didn't 
want to nap when I was younger. 

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, 
"I don't need to drink to have fun." 
Great, no one does. 
But why start a fire with flint and sticks when 
they've invented the lighter? 

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in 
each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 

A woman went to  France ...... on a wine tasting vacation, 
but drank too much, fell from her hotel window and 
ended up in a body cast. 
She vowed to never again get plastered in Paris. 

You're a true Redneck when: 
You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 
You think sexy lingerie is a T-shirt and boxer shorts. 
You think the four major food groups are beef,pork,beer, 
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 
Your school classes were cancelled because of heat. 
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold. 
You know several people who have hit a deer. 
You've seen all the biggest bands.........
ten years after they were popular. 
"Vacation" means going to a family reunion. 
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a 
tractor on the highway....

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to 
"I have nothing else to say". 

I don't have an inner child. 
I have an inner old person 
who wants everyone to shut up. 

‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ generally mean the same thing
 – except at funerals. 

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report 
for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and 
the invasion of Normandy.
“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it 
something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between 
boredom and hunger.