Tuesday, February 2, 2016

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Wife: "Hi honey, I'm back from the beauty salon."
Me: "What's wrong, was it closed?"
 
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Prank Calls......
Phone Rings...
I answer.. Rubber Ducky here whos quacking?
They hang up.
I slam the phone on the reciever "damn Prank callers"
 then walk back into my bubble bath.
 
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“Tire stores are highway rubbery.”
 
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Golfer: "If you were me, how would you have played
that last shot?"
  Caddie: "Under an assumed name."
Golfer: "I don't know what's wrong.
This is the worst I've ever played."
   Caddie: "So you've played before, have you?"
Golfer: "I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
   Caddie: "Do you think you can keep your head down
long enough?"
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on."
Caddie: "This isn't the golf course.
We left that an hour ago."
 
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Wife: "What has she got that I haven't?"
Me: "Do you want me to give it to you alphabetically?"
 
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Alright… Who pushed the forward button on my weekend?

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ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*
TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this.....
 
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day..
FRIEND: don't you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one...
 
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Thank you for calling the weight-loss helpline
If you'd like to lose half a pound right now, please
press 1 46,000 times.

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Yo mama so fat that she has more ripples then Lake Erie
on a windy day!
 
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Every night my wife puts a mudpack on her face and
slices of cucumber over her eyes.
It doesn't work though, I can still tell it's her.
 
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