Thursday, February 4, 2016


Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office,
so I've set mine to the sound of a girl screaming...
(horror movie style).
Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that's all I saw
*shows me it's just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That's him.....
To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and
add thirty.
To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives
and add 17 kids.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like
maybe something is wrong with my car.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in
nature and I'm like, same but plant potatoes so I can live
on in french fries..
I just hired a guy to do odd jobs around the house,
and I handed him a list of ten things I wanted done.
I was disappointed when he only did #1,3,5,7 and 9.
I plan on getting even.
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and
about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the
husband rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said,
"All right, who's the other father?"
Wife to me: "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
God wants to redesign..
God asks wives: I want to redesign men with new hi tech
Any suggestions??
Women: Yes, that joy stick made for us should be
password protected.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
 Cheese: No.
Just in case you are not aware, there are serious problems
with Japan's banks.
I can confirm that Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank
has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank is cutting its branches
and trading in the Kamikaze Bank have ceased after its
shares nose dived. 
At the Karate Bank 500 employees have been  chopped. 
Analysts also report that something fishy is happening
at the Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.