Tuesday, February 9, 2016


The last time anything got banged on my bed, 
it was my little toe against the leg. 

*deletes fb account*
 *leaves social media* 
 *goes to Himalayas*
 *pigeon comes with a note* 
 *opens note*
 *candy crush request*

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same 
shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat 
this cereal. 

 Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: 
Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by 
cold water. 

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a five iron?" 
   Caddie: "Eventually." 
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on a Sunday?" 
   Caddie: "The way you play, it's a sin any day." 
Golfer: "How do you like my game?" 
   Caddie: "Very well, but personally I prefer golf." 
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on 
this course." 
   Caddie: "Try heaven. 
You've already moved most of the earth." 
Golfer: "Will you stop looking at your watch all the time? 
It's distracting me." 
 Caddie: "It's not a watch, it's a compass." 

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and 
all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes. 

"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it," 
my dad always used to say. 
Lovely man. 
Made terrible sandwiches.....

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and 
say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see 
them in every single aisle after that....

I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments 
for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our 

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 
1997 & 2004....

[donating blood]
 Me [feeling lightheaded]: I'm gonna need that back...