The last time anything got banged on my bed,
it was my little toe against the leg.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*candy crush request*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same
shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat
Life's most terrifying 10 seconds:
Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a five iron?"
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on a Sunday?"
Caddie: "The way you play, it's a sin any day."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddie: "Very well, but personally I prefer golf."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on
Caddie: "Try heaven.
You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Will you stop looking at your watch all the time?
It's distracting me."
Caddie: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and
all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,"
my dad always used to say.
Made terrible sandwiches.....
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and
say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see
them in every single aisle after that....
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments
for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our
My wife and I have been happily married for two years.
1997 & 2004....
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I'm gonna need that back...