Wednesday, February 3, 2016


It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby.
911: What's your emergency?
Our next-door neighbor is a flower arranger.
She has two kids; one is a budding genius and the other
is a blooming idiot....
I used to breed pedigreed dalmatians, and had 4 adults
and sometimes one or eve two litters of puppies.
As a result, I would buy large quantities of dog food -
typically 4 50 lb bags at a time.
OFTEN someone at the checkout would comment on
my large purchase of dog food with something like
"I guess you have a dog?". or "You must have a lot of dogs.
I decided to have some fun with these situations and came
up with a standard reply: "Oh no... I don't have any dogs.
My extended family is coming to visit for several days.
I make hors 'oevres by soaking these in brandy for a couple
They're pretty good with cream cheese."
Sometime they would express some shock and dismay at
my using dog food, to which I also replied: "Its just for
relatives after all.
Aunt Martha loves them, especially after the first bowl."
By this point, I am usually through the checkout and leave
them wondering...
I'm such a committed nudist, I won't even put dressing
on my salad. 
I just bought those new pills for splitting headaches.
They're half aspirin and half super-glue.
Dr: You've gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Son, we have something to tell you...
you were adopted, your new parents are waiting outside
in the car...
I use my neighbor's outdoor Jacuzzi for bubble bath time
with my cat.
I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with
If you run into someone you know and they say
"we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready
to hang out right now" and watch them panic...