Thursday, February 25, 2016


If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the
offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
My "don't make love to Victoria's Secret models" resolution
 is going great so far.
I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy
after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Night vs Morning.
At night: I can't sleep.
In the morning: I can't wake up.
Please pray for girls everywhere who are getting a
"What's up" text right now..
Be strong. Don't answer...... Eat ice cream.
Bumping into an old girlfriend, Marvin invited her for
coffee and told her that he'd given up accounting to
take up writing.
"That's terrific!" she said, "I really admire a person
who follows their dream.
Tell me, have you sold anything?"
"Sure have," he replied.
"My house, my car, all my stocks, and bonds...."
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked
me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good
answer for him..
Why don't gang members ever become nuns?
Because they find it difficult to say Superior after the
word mother.....
First Guy: "Now my old grand daddy, he knew the exact
day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too.
Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day,
and he was right about that too".
Second Guy: "Wow, that's absolutely amazing.
Was he psychic? Just how did he know all that"?
First Guy: "The Judge told him"....
Kids are like doughnuts.
Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and
you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP