Monday, February 29, 2016



I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things
to talk about.
Today he commented on how well-made the road was.
I agreed.

I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're
on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again".

"Alcohol doesn't affect me"
*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two
taxidermy lizards*

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists
angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his
pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.
"You said this watch would last me a lifetime," he yelled.
"Yeah," admitted the owner.
"But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."


Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and
appear wealthy.
Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you
right now, figuring out how to make your death look
like an accident.

Police suspected that a Manx cat was responsible for a
series of break-ins at a hen house, so they put a tail on him.

 At the cat Oscars, Fluffy won nine Lifetime Achievement

What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb
The registration of the car that ran him over!