Tuesday, February 16, 2016

# 2980


*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I...I've never felt...SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
"Excuse me, do you validate parking?"
I sure do, champ.
*kisses your forehead*
Your parking is second to none....
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than
I am of them?
Like, did you ask him?
Because only one of us is screaming right now.

What device tells you that you've had too much to drink?
A karaoke machine.
When people say 'oh, you're still single?'
I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?'
I'm popular.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual
She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing someone else
because she was fed up with my bad habits.
I nearly choked on my toenail...
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar...
At the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out
"Does anyone here know CPR?"
I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i
know the whole alphabet!"
Everybody in the entire bar laughed......except for one guy.
People who say losing weight is "just math" clearly
have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.