Thursday, February 11, 2016



If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the
heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a
terrible idea.
You'll catch more flies with honey than you will
with vinegar.
Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop.
Lots of ways to attract flies.
Church Bulletin;
"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking
tonight at Memorial Church.
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
 all the way from Africa.
This is how my week goes.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
My goal has always been to be "dependently wealthy",
as in, it's dependent upon my sorry butt getting out of
bed and going to work!
Dear iPhone,Please stop spellchecking my curse words
into different words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every iPhone User..
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I'll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
 ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
.A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the
horse he rode came in dead last.
"Could you not have raced any faster?" he raged.
"Sure I could have," replied the jockey,
"but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask
them a question you want answered.
Valentine's day.
Husband : What do you want for valentine's day ?
Wife: Give me one ring, that's enough.
Husband: From landline or mobile?