Saturday, February 6, 2016

# 2970


Judge: "Don't you know that crime doesn't pay?"
Defendant: "Yes, but the hours are good."
Yo. Real shit.
Just bcause you went and got your logo
printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have
a clothing company.
U got shirts...
I'm sick of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask them where they're going and
hook up with them later.
Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up
and everything hurts?"
Doctor: "80"..
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run...
Judge: "Do you wish to challenge any of the jurors?"
Defendant: "I think I can beat the little guy on the end."
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing
at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time
was 7:07
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?"
Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was
free cake."
He's dead, Jim.
Bought the farm.
Bit the pita.
Shanked the llama.
He's a shit piñata.
He's gone elf.
Dropped the fudgsicle.
No more potatoes...
How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a
cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?
I was walking down a street in a bad part of Detroit late
last night, when suddenly I saw another guy bashing two
metal trash can lids together. 
"What are you doing?" I asked. 
"Oh, I'm calling my dog," he replied. 
So I said, "Why don't you shout his name?"
"Yeah right, if you think I'm going to shout 'Blackie'
around here at this time of night..."