Sunday, January 24, 2016


*wears a tuxedo t shirt to interview as a joke*
McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job
and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,
"She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a optician.”
My wife went to a casino in the Himalayas.
Of course, why else would she go.
“When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem”
and other advice from my upcoming book,
‘Where Did All My Friends Go’..
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned..
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son..
ME: I microwave my pop tarts..
PRIEST: u sick son of a.........
They say a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have
enemies that would stare directly into my eyes while
shitting on my carpet.....
If something drives you batty, relax, take a deep breath,
and just say “I don't give a flying fox.”
PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"
PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"
PIG: "Oh God, not you too"...
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at
Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman.
"He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time.
It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been
away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman.
"Sure, I haven't been away at all."
Judge: how do you plead?
"not guilty"
J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
"He asked me to make him a pancake"...
[giving grandmother's eulogy]
 But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got
down the stairs....
Two competitors at the World Tag Championships were
rushed to the hospital.
It was touch and go for awhile.