Monday, January 11, 2016


Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is
the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and
then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver.
"You're running the wrong way."
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
If you don't call your spouse "wonderful" when you're
on a game show, you're legally required to get a divorce
at the end of the show..
Wife: Guess what I did..
Me: Captured Bigfoot?
Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes
Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I was in court yesterday as a witness..
The judge asked me: What were you doing November 19,
1992 at 6:42 pm?
 I thought for a minute and replied: I was at home...sitting
in a chair...holding a calendar in one hand and the clock
in the other.....
I am selling my snake on CL and some guy just called me
and asked if it was big.
 I said, freak'n massive, he said how many feet? I said,
none, it's a snake!
I thought my vasectomy... would keep my wife from
getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color
of the baby.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days..
My grandma found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.