Thursday, January 21, 2016


I just got thrown out of the hospital.
After three days there, I took a turn for the nurse.....
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to
be having an appendicitis attack.
"That's impossible," the physician replied.
"Your wife had an appendectomy last year.
Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that?
Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, to be honest I haven't!" the husband replied.
"Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
Plot Twist....
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's
emailing everyone now.
My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his
VCR for 3 hours now.
Starting to get suspicious...
What kind of monster still has a VCR?
 "Please pass the bee-nut butte-"
 *wife glares*
 "-the honey"
I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to
make privacy uncool.
Think about that.
I think thats true cause they dont have to tap our phones
or survey us when we just yield to them everything,
just on our own free will.
Home address? Its a little weird, OK.
Phone number? Call me.
Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me
tag those for you.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around
with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I tried some of that aphrodesiac rhino horn,
and now I can't stop charging at Land Rovers.
I got my grandson a flat piece of cardboard for his
birthday because he said he wanted an ex-box.
 I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said: "Nothing would make me happier than a
diamond necklace." So that's what I got her - nothing.
For her birthday, my wife told me to get something
that would make her look sexy...... So I got drunk.
I wonder how many mimes must have died because
nobody believed they were choking.
Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar.
Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?
Me: Good point.
*Grabs Kit Kat.....