Saturday, January 30, 2016


Everything my three year old says is like listening to
a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed
as a stormtrooper.
No weirdos.
To avoid small talk with neighbors, I've taken to checking
the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda
raccoon with bills.
Just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.
Now they tie themselves.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on
Then I unplugged his life support...
Why is religion the main reason people get killed,
yet all religions/beliefs preach peace?
I'm boycotting the Oscars this year because I wasn't
nominated for anything.
Your move academy.
I don't mean to brag but…
I've come in second place in every fight I've ever been in.
When a wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a
restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at
a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and
saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk
again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered
to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd
have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
ME: What's this bit here?
NURSE: ...his heart....
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon..
ME: My résumé says a lot of things....