Friday, January 1, 2016


The drinking age should be eighteen.
When you're eighteen you're old enough to vote.
You should be old enough to drink.
Look who we have to vote for!....... You need a drink!
I informed my wife last week that I now have a 1 million
dollar life insurance policy and that she is the
The next day she signed me up for sky diving and auto
racing lessons..
I think it's a coincidence..
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because
they don't want to share their pizza with anyone.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now...
 ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ....please stop..
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing
yourself when it's over.
 A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son.
How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
I bought my wife a personalized license plate that reads
She NEVER gets cut off !.
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the
woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told
you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women
you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT
idea at the party tonight?"
I wrote to the IRS..
I told them that paying taxes was unconstitutional and
that I did not have to do it.
They mailed me back a picture of Wesley Snipes.
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way
down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
"Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said.
"I didn't even see the Indians!"
 My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron
To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable