Sunday, January 17, 2016

# 2950


*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks
behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00......

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
 My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report
so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign
Bill: "I saw a big crowd in front of your house last night.
What was up?"
Me: "My bedroom window shade."
I can't stand people who bang on your door, saying you
need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".
But I suppose the firemen were only doing their job.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a
shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he
may be a compulsive liar.
 - And a damn good one...... I don't have any sons.
 See, hating people can be healthy!
 I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than
to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
GUY (whose car died): can you help me? I need a jump..
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk):
I'm always prepared for emergencies like this..
#Powerball Fever...
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you
won't be going to work tomorrow.
Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5.
This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."
*finishes six pack*
"Your arm is broken.
I'll put you in a cast for a while and it'll recover."
Me: "Ok, but I don't get how being in a movie will help."