☺☺
♥
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
••
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks
behind me**everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00......
••
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them?
Okay, we're done.
••
My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report
so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
••
Bill: "I saw a big crowd in front of your house last night.
What was up?" Me: "My bedroom window shade."
••
I can't stand people who bang on your door, saying you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".
But I suppose the firemen were only doing their job.
••
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a
shitty 1980s white girl perm?
••
I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he
may be a compulsive liar.- And a damn good one...... I don't have any sons.
••
See, hating people can be healthy!
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
••
GUY (whose car died): can you help me? I need a jump..
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk):I'm always prepared for emergencies like this..
••
#Powerball Fever... The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you
won't be going to work tomorrow.
Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5.
••
This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."
*finishes six pack*
••
"Your arm is broken.
I'll put you in a cast for a while and it'll recover."Me: "Ok, but I don't get how being in a movie will help."
••••
