Saturday, December 26, 2015


Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?
Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of
my mouth*
A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents
for their family.
The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to
The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."
"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"
The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house..
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why..
"Aids cannot be transmitted by kissing, cuddling or sharing a
toilet seat."
*Maybe I'm missing something here but who the Hell would
want to kiss or cuddle a toilet seat?
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to..

I really need to go on the show Survivor.
Not for the money or the fame.
It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight....
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.
I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok,
but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested,
JUST because of the type of car I live in.
Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is
great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
I wonder if...
Yuppies who get Chinese characters tattooed on their bodies
really know what they say ?
They could say "this guy is a giant asshole" for all they know.
Chinese tattoo artist joke on them.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending,
now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me