Sunday, December 27, 2015


My wife had her driver's test the other day..
She got 8 out of 10..
The other 2 guys jumped clear..
I discovered Santa wasn't real when my plan to drug him
and rob his sleigh put my dad in ER having his stomach
I just won a free proctological exam
but I know I'll end up paying for it in the end.
My wife gave me a "Get Better Soon" card.
I'm not sick, just not very good at sex.
I met a blonde at the bar the other night.
Later that evening I asked if I could see her home.
She reached in her purse and showed me a picture
of her house.
Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have
to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go
out without her permission!"
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas
so I'll have more things to take away when I need to
punish them..
ME: [in Santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was
hard....... how does Santa do it?
 WIFE: well Santa's not real, hun..
 ME: [drops cookie] WHAT!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting
rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling,
"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering
around looking for my keys..