Saturday, December 19, 2015


My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of
runners who grab my plastic cups of vodka.
 Go figure .
Before we left home last time.
I complied with the following below:
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more)
and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass
Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay)
and put it in the center of the yard.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
 I've never felt safer since I now know how secure the house is;
plus I'm saving $69.95 a month.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up
behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last
I got a call from the modeling agency.
They wanted me to pose for some Before pictures.
I said to my wife, "I'm getting you something small for Christmas."
She said, "It's it underwear?"
I said, "Are you deaf, I said something small."
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in
your face.
An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had
not slept a wink.
"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked
"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied
"I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until
this morning to correct it."
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
 {At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss.
He had so much updog..
"What's updog?"
*pats her hand* Not much what's up with you ...
 KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine...
 ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely*
I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week