••
♥
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of
runners who grab my plastic cups of vodka.
runners who grab my plastic cups of vodka.
••
Go figure .
Before we left home last time.
I complied with the following below:
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more)
and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass
Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front
yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay)
and put it in the center of the yard.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer since I now know how secure the house is;
plus I'm saving $69.95 a month.
Before we left home last time.
I complied with the following below:
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more)
and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass
Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front
yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay)
and put it in the center of the yard.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've never felt safer since I now know how secure the house is;
plus I'm saving $69.95 a month.
••
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up
behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last
Christmas....
behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last
Christmas....
••
I got a call from the modeling agency.
They wanted me to pose for some Before pictures.
They wanted me to pose for some Before pictures.
••
I said to my wife, "I'm getting you something small for Christmas."
She said, "It's it underwear?"
I said, "Are you deaf, I said something small."
She said, "It's it underwear?"
I said, "Are you deaf, I said something small."
••
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in
your face.
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in
your face.
••
An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had
not slept a wink.
"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked
"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied
"I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until
this morning to correct it."
not slept a wink.
"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked
"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied
"I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until
this morning to correct it."
••
5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.
{At funeral}
{At funeral}
••
*holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss.
He had so much updog..
"What's updog?"
*pats her hand* Not much what's up with you ...
*holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss.
He had so much updog..
"What's updog?"
*pats her hand* Not much what's up with you ...
••
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine...
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely*
I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely*
I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
•••• 
