Down Hummingbird Lane

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think,
“Well, this is where I live now.”
 

••
"Sir, please understand, to buy anti depressant
tablets, you need a proper prescription ...
simply showing your marriage certificate and
a photo of your wife, is not enough!"

 

••

Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands
gravestone to say?"
Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking
one."

 

••

I can't believe that you've been visiting
prostitutes for sex," screamed his wife.
"I'm really disappointed."
"You can hardly blame me," He answered.
"It's not like I was getting any sex from you.”
"Well that's your fault," she replied.
“You never told me you were willing to pay for it”

 

••

Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my
dishwasher high on bath salts....

 

•• 

And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories, decides to deliver a
message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a
bad hairstyle.

 

••

I FREAKING SWEAR!!
IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME
WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND
CHILL PERSON I AM, I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

 

••

How much weed is the appropriate amount to
give as a gift at a baby shower?

 

••

[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on
the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.

 

••

I'm so sorry", I go around whispering to people
who've just woken up from a coma. 

 

••

Blind dates are the best because they can't
see me stealing all of the food from their plate..

••
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a
knife.
For example, your top running speed.......

 

••

 Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
 CW: Yeah....just surprise me.
 Me: *comes back with no food*
 SURPRISE!

••••