Friday, December 18, 2015


If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have
a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory.
When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"
"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a
 message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house
five days ago.
Just thought you should know.'"
"What did you do?"
"What else? I unfriended him of course!"
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and
he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
After Jeff Dahmer was killed...
and considering the nature of his crimes,
the inmates cut off his nose,
diced it up, and sprinkled it on a pizza.
 It was a Dahmer-nose pizza....
Did you hear about the new Elvis Presley-themed steak restaurant ?
It's for people who love meat tender.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't
need to look at watches.
Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't
need to look at our mobile phones.
I just watched 50 Shades of Gray
It's the best movie ever.
I felt like I had sex, and I feel asleep half way through....
My kids are very optimistic.
Every glass they leave sitting around the house
is at least half full.
Gus *sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Mom made me take Millie to the prom.
With her dark hair and big, brown eyes,
I didn't argue.
Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.