Sunday, December 20, 2015


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine;
he gets better with age.
The next day she locked me in the cellar.
Please hold my e-mails until further notice.
I am in the hospital .
I was attacked by a woman in an elevator.
 I was in the elevator when she got in.
 I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
 "Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards,
but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every morning’.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking.
Anyone who bought WiFi please google "Fatal Engine Error:38"
and come to the cockpit ASAP.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence,
try ordering’ somebody else’s dog around..
A man walks into a bar and says:
"I'd like something tall, icy and full of vodka."
The bartender shouts into the kitchen: "Hey,Brenda !
Someone here to see you."
Bad: I saw my girlfriend's name and number…
on a men's room wall.
Worse: It was her handwriting.......
When I was a kid and they canceled a day of school
 it was a snow day.
Now, when they cancel a day of school
 it's a bomb day.
Height of Trouble....
 - A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching.
I'm going to have to rethink my time machine rental business.
People keep bringing them back a day before they rented them.