Tuesday, December 8, 2015


 Marriage is – The joining of two people,
one who never remembers birthdays,
and the other who never forgets them.
My friend is serving 20 years for something
he didn't do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Man: "I don't understand how my wife
is pregnant.
We haven't had sex for over a year."
Doctor: "It's what we call a grudge pregnancy -
somebody's obviously had it in for you."
I got home and my wife said,
"How many drinks have you had?"
I said, "I don't know - I'm an alcoholic,
not an accountant."
The consultant is reviewing the patient and
asks the doctor for a summary.
"I'm sorry to say we suspect he is brain
damaged sir."
Senior Nurse asks "What should we do next?"
Consultant looks at the notes, snaps them shut
and says "Elect him to the presidential
committee, should fit in nicely."
My wife said she wanted to make me happy in
the bedroom.
So now the bedroom has a 65-inch LED TV,
a fridge full of beer, and she sleeps on the
A young boy was looking through the family
album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy
on the beach with you with all the muscles
and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man
who lives with us now?"
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
Me: Yup
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a
monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub
 [the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of
Judas: I got this