Tuesday, December 29, 2015



Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.......
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple
Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like
some kind of homeless person...
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting
names on their food..
I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin..
WIFE: The police are at the front door..
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still
uses a flip phone.
 (business meeting)
 *drops pen on the floor*
 *bends over to pick it up*
 *shirt comes untucked*
 *all the jelly beans start falling out*
Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread.
They said it was stollen.
Folks, they said it was stollen.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm....
A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon,
and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
Me: You just backed the car over my Harley !
Wife: "Well, you shouldn't have left it on the lawn !"