Thursday, December 31, 2015


Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they
were really really mad.
I can remember the first time they caught me drinking
under age.
Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month,
but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent
of a second grader..
Wife choose one.....
Wives can be only one of three kinds:
 1. Pretty, but unloyal.
 2. Loyal, but ugly.
 3. Pretty and loyal, but inflatable..
You don‘t truly know your car until you know exactly how
far you can go, after the gas gauge needle passes the
E (Emtpy)..
whats the difference between a elephant fart and
one is a bar room the other is a BAAARRRROOOMMM ..
On my wedding day, I took my golf clubs to the church.
My bride to be said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
I said, "Well, this isn't going to take all day, is it?"
Just Warnings .......
  On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
  On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast
  On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime
  Sign in an airplane: "After use, please return stewardess
to upright position."
   Sign on a divorce lawyer's door: "Satisfaction guaranteed
or your honey back."
  Sign on a clothing store: "Come inside and have a fit."
  Sign in a pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."  
  Sign on a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."
  Sign in an elevator: "Eighth-floor button broken.
Please push three and five.....
The best time to give your children is while
they're still young enough to believe you know what
you're talking about......
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was
never shy about telling the voters why they should send him
to Washington.
"I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting.
"I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--in fact, I should
like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do."
Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back
of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
My neighbor keeps getting concussion he only lives
a stones throw away.
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks
is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
Politicians are proof of reincarnation...
you can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
NURSE: do you have any allergies?
 ME: burnt bread..
 NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread?
 ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant.....