Saturday, December 5, 2015


1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every
five minutes.
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham
in the crib and you don't even notice....
There are directions with pictures on this
underarm deodorant.
Yet another disaster avoided.  
I've seen such a change in myself this past
I've really grown a lot.
I need bigger pants...
I read somewhere that a spiders' web silk
is so strong that if it were the thickness of a
pencil it could stop a jumbo jet mid flight.
That's pretty amazing, but what's more mind
boggling is how strong the spiders asshole
must be to crimp it off....
My wife asked me about a cut on my hand...
"Oh, that," I said.
"I was cutting some string using the scissors."
She said, "That was clumsy, you idiot."
 I said, "Yeah.
Anyway, are you looking forward to skydiving
I invented a bullshit detector.....
It works great, anytime someone starts talking
bullshit to me, a loud buzzer sounds.
 Although, it did cause me some
embarrassment when i went to see President
Obama's speech last week.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be
about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek
questions that he always gets right.
 [at pet store]
I'm looking for something cheap and will get
people to stop coming over.
This morning I waved to the garbage men and
smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now
I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal.
You're hired.
Outer space is 50 miles up.
Canada is 200 miles north.
I'm closer to outer space than I am to Canada.