Monday, November 30, 2015


My favorite part about Black Friday is the part
where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot
& sit in my car with the reverse lights on....
 Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
 Host: That's a salad.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups,
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving!
I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha...Christmas.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: I'm thankful for the land you gave us..
Natives: we didn't give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I'm not apathetic, I prefer emotionally
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from
"The Walking Dead."
Every once in a while, it's important to show
my kids who's boss.
I do this by pointing to my wife....
Flex sent his photo to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back and said they weren't that
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you
that they have to pee...