Sunday, November 8, 2015


Birds don't like you.......


The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn
maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by
thinking he has plenty to eat.
Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great
way to tell the cops who to arrest.
A football fan is a guy who’ll yell at the
quarterback for not spotting an open receiver
forty-five yards away, then head for the parking
lot and not be able to find his own car.
I love it when someone's laugh is funnier than
the joke.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature,
like bread.
Just saw The Martian.
If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was
filming him that whole time?
Clearly fake....
Apparently "I don't like scary movies," is not
an appropriate response to being asked to
watch a wedding video.
"The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
If evolution were real you'd think my body
would've learned how to be drunk on its own
by now.
Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*