Down Hummingbird Lane

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Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar...

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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture
to a random spot, I wonder how much it will
cost to fix whatever they're covering up....

 

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“The animals at the zoo started rioting.
 A porcupine was brought in to quill the uprising.”

 

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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to
Facebook and now everyone knows I only
walked 13 steps yesterday.

 

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Toward the end of a particularly trying round of
golf, Jack was the picture of frustration.
He’d hit too many fat shots.
Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move
heaven and earth to break a hundred on this
course.”
“Try heaven,” replied the caddie.
“You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

 

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"You should only have to tell them once"
People with no children....

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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...
guess they don't appreciate random people
knocking on their doors...

 

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Hillary Clinton has vowed to create a million
new jobs during her term as President.
I believe her:
Those food banks won't run themselves,
will they?

 

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My parents taught me to respect my elders...
Trouble is, there aren't as many around
anymore...

 

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Alcohol kills 2.5 million people a year..
Marijuana kills 158.8 million people's ambition to
leave the couch per year.