Monday, October 19, 2015



Man, I'm tired.
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had
amnesia or insomnia.
His last words were, "I'm just going to tell her
to calm down, and remind her that she still
hasn't made dinner."
Dont drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it.
My short attention span really
irritates me. But luckily, not for too long.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song.
I want us to conceive our first child to it..
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here..
Breaking News:
"Bomb defuser has fingers blown off by friendly
He's not pressing charges.
"And what's the lady having?" asked the waiter,
while my wife was in the restroom.
"I don't know," I replied.
"Probably a healthy shit."
I got fired from being the events coordinator
at the local orphanage.
I think it's cause family day never really took off..
It's really hard to explain that your eyes are really
red from allergies and not weed when you're
buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.
Apparently it's not acceptable to moan when
someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you
in crisis prevention training.