Man, I'm tired.I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had
amnesia or insomnia.
His last words were, "I'm just going to tell herto calm down, and remind her that she still
hasn't made dinner."
Dont drink and drive, might hit a bump and spill it.
My short attention span reallyirritates me. But luckily, not for too long.
[turns up radio in the car]Me: I love this song.
I want us to conceive our first child to it..
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here..
Breaking News:"Bomb defuser has fingers blown off by friendly
He's not pressing charges.
"And what's the lady having?" asked the waiter,while my wife was in the restroom.
"I don't know," I replied.
"Probably a healthy shit."
I got fired from being the events coordinatorat the local orphanage.
I think it's cause family day never really took off..
It's really hard to explain that your eyes are reallyred from allergies and not weed when you're
buying cupcakes and a pound of Doritos.
Apparently it's not acceptable to moan whensomeone is demonstrating a choke hold on you
in crisis prevention training.