Friday, September 11, 2015



Sign at pawn shop: Armed guard on duty three
nights a week.
You guess which nights.
Husband: Oh my gosh, I almost ran over a man
from Miami!
Wife: How do you know he was from Miami?
Husband: He kept screaming something that
sounded like "Sunny beaches!"
A mother was talking to her preschooler.
"Who is your favorite singer?" she asked.
The little girl quickly replied, "Jennifer Low Pants."
I manage a large discount bookstore and was
amused by a phone conversation one of my
sales clerks had with a new computer user.
The caller asked if we carried Linux for Dummies.
"No," the clerk replied, "but we do sell
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Linux.
The man groaned and said, "The Complete
Idiot's Guide to Linux is way over my head!"
If Disney movies have taught me anything,
it's that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English.
Including animals and inanimate objects.
My stomach just made a really weird noise.
I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I'm sorry but I cannot, in good conscience,
leave this cheese ball unattended.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport.
You might wanna be sitting down.
Ready? Oh god how do I put this?
I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak
voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop
to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog
came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down,
but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled
over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff,
as I looked down fearing impending death.
I just managed to climb out of the car and save
my life, just before the car fell over the cliff
crashing thousands of feet below and was
blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital.
I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated
shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife
asked, "Who is Mary?"
A wife told her husband to whisper her dirty
things, the man then replied,
"The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory
and the dining room."
Then the fight started....