Wednesday, September 2, 2015


French bread???

I had a girlfriend that looked like this once...

Does WebMD ever just say "you're fine, there's nothing
wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?"
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce....
Two blondes walking through the woods and suddenly came
a cross a lion.
One of the blond slowly squatted down, scooped hand full
of mud and threw it to the lions eyes.
The next second she started to run like hell, while the other
one is still standing like nothing happened.
So the running blonde yelled back...."hey run, run."
"No.." the other one yelled back, "Why should I?
It's you who threw the mud on him."
Fitness guru just tweeted "remember to breathe" and it
was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Yore mama so fat she turned a monster truck into a low rider...
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to
take this left—stay left...
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here..
What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is
pretending to be your best friend.
But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to
undermine you, and make you insecure.
Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently,
one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60
I'm just like, when would I ever need to do that?
When would I ever be in that kind of a rush?
Am I at a tollbooth?
I'm no sadist.
Some of my best friends are sad.
 I can't wait until my kids become adults so I can go over
their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has
to buy the license....