Thursday, September 10, 2015


Fred walks into the pub and orders a beer.
"Hi Fred." says the barman "By yourself tonight?
Where's the wife?"
"Oh, she's gone into hospital for a procedure," replied Fred.
"What kind of procedure?" asks the barman.
"Post-mortem." sez Fred.
They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like...
The most important thing is, you cant eat late at night or
youll get fat.
And Im like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night.
He was like, No you not.
I'm like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?
Actual Employee Evaluations...
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, "Connor, you
 know that guy Trump who is running for President?"
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do."
"Well", says Sean, "The next time he gets up to talk, I'd
like to see someone throw a shoe at his head".
"Now, now, you know you're not supposed to wish harm
on anyone", says Connor.
"Oh!” says Sean, "I'm not wishing him harm, and I just
want to see Donald duck."
If you think things improve with age, just attend a class
This woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE
and she went to see the doctor about her weight.
She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or
anything that can help me loose weight?"
The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake
your head from left too right, simple eh?!"
She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?"
The doctor says, "Next time your ordered food."
It doesn't matter how often
a married man changes jobs, he still has the same boss.
A large construction company sent a party in charge of
 finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.
They successfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly
them back to the construction site immediately.
The men were very excited and could only speak of doin
the job.
Suddenly the pilot flying the plane encountered some
difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.
Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the
site, so they opened the door and all they could see was
sand all around.
Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the hell
out of here before the cement comes."
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…
but can't pronounce it....
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time.
10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends.
Stay in school kids.