Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball..
Guy: that's an octopus..
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus.
••Karate is a good skill to have...
if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.
I made a mistake asking Siri 'What do womenwant'?
My phone hasn't stopped talking for 3 days!
[date]Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you........
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Shopping with friend...."Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your
Me: "What's leftover pizza?
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date anun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she
declined on account of she had taken a vow
abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
Don't forget to cut me off so you can be thefirst person to the red light.
[Red Lobster]Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family...
••Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first
thought is pity, but then I think it probably
deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot ofcustomer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when
he's not there.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn'tmake you...discomfortable....
••Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah, but daddy has insurance.