Tuesday, September 29, 2015




 [first day as aquarium guide]
 Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball..
 Guy: that's an octopus..
 Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus.

Karate is a good skill to have...
if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.
I made a mistake asking Siri 'What do women
My phone hasn't stopped talking for 3 days!
 Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
 Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you........
 Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Shopping with friend....
"Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your
leftover pizza!"
Me: "What's leftover pizza?
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she
declined on account of she had taken a vow
abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the
first person to the red light.
 [Red Lobster]
 Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp.
 Me: bring me the endless shrimp
 5 days later>
 Waiter: please leave, I have a family...

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first
thought is pity, but then I think it probably
deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of
customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when
he's not there.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn't
make you...discomfortable....
Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah, but daddy has insurance.