••
♥
Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball..
Guy: that's an octopus..
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus.
••
Karate is a good skill to have... if you're ever attacked by a stack of boards.
••
I made a mistake asking Siri 'What do women
want'? My phone hasn't stopped talking for 3 days!
••
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?Girl: how about we go home & I'll let you........
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
••
Shopping with friend....
"Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!"
Me: "What's leftover pizza?
••
Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a
nun? He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she
declined on account of she had taken a vow
abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
••
Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the
first person to the red light.
••
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp.Me: bring me the endless shrimp
5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family...
••
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably
deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
••
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of
customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when
he's not there.
••
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn't
make you...discomfortable....
••
Boy: Mommy can i go swimming? Mommy: No because there are sharks in the
water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah, but daddy has insurance.
••••
