••
♥
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
••
Sent him a pic and he replied "BOOM!!"
Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw
himself on a grenade.
Sent him a pic and he replied "BOOM!!"
Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw
himself on a grenade.
••
Signs You Have a Hangover.....
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than
be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell
your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction
as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality
time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with
the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the
bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than
be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell
your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction
as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality
time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with
the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the
bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
••
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man
on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man
on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."
••
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in
one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?"he asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station.
She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got
stuck.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,look,
my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?"he asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station.
She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got
stuck.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,look,
my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
••
I really admire people who keep going even though they're
in huge amounts of debt.
They deserve a lot of credit.
in huge amounts of debt.
They deserve a lot of credit.
••
Nothing is worse than being hungover, and my neighbor
wants to mow the lawn at 7:00 a.m.
well this time he can mow around me..
wants to mow the lawn at 7:00 a.m.
well this time he can mow around me..
••
My wife was chasing flies around her kitchen with fly paper,
expecting them to fly on to it.
expecting them to fly on to it.
••
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?
Me: Yale..
Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?
Me: I yust got out in Yuly..
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?
Me: Yale..
Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?
Me: I yust got out in Yuly..
••••
