Saturday, September 19, 2015




These are actual newspaper headlines
gathered from papers across the country.
Man shoots neighbor with machete:
The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes:
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia,
March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones,
Study Shows:
The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies:
The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future:
The Oregonian, January 28
A woman asking people questions for her
company's survey walked up to a man and
asked if he would be willing to participate.
He said, “Sure”.
She asked him to name something expensive
that he wished he had never bought.
The man answered, “My wedding ring.”
She sent me a text saying she wearing
something special for me...
but every time I ask her what, she says ~
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians.
All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians.
All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers.
They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their
heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
I hate Walmart.
The men's bathroom doesn't have any urinals, just a bunch
of women screaming at me to get out.
Pillow talk gone wrong.....
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day.
Her hands were slowly finding their way across my
She whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest
man in the world."
I whispered back, "I'll miss you."
And then the fight started . . .
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me
Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them
into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest.
"But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
We spend the first twelve months of our
children's lives teaching them to walk and talk,
and the next Twenty-four years telling them to
sit down and shut up!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain,
which is to say that I just found a photo of a
baby weasel alone in a folder called "good"
Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop"
Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-"
Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"