Sunday, August 9, 2015

# 2790

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The woman who cut in front of me at the store had 
a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. 
I wasn’t about to mess with that situation..

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I wake up feeling hungover entirely too much for 
someone who doesn't even drink..

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If Bruce Jenner goes missing.... 
Will his picture start showing up on cartons of 
Half & Half? 

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I'd like to personally thank the person who looked at a 
beehive and thought, "Those little bastards are hiding 
something delicious in there, I just know it." 

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Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen.
Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and
getting an online degree in refrigerator repair.?

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Being an adult is basically just doing tons of chores 
without ever getting an allowance..

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Human brain is the most
 outstanding object in world..
 It functions 24 hours a day,
 365 days a year..
 It functions right from the time we are born,
 and stop only when we enter the examination hall..

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*Sees neighbor make two trips from the car with her 
groceries instead of breaking her arms to bring them 
in all at once*
"Pfff. What an amateur."

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I can never keep anything clean.. 
I should just wear army fatigues for the rest of my 
life so the stains don't stand out so much..

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Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! 
Who do you think changes the water? 

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[ first day as coast guard ]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today..
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is 
fine..

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