The woman who cut in front of me at the store had
a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart.
I wasn’t about to mess with that situation..
I wake up feeling hungover entirely too much for
someone who doesn't even drink..
If Bruce Jenner goes missing....
Will his picture start showing up on cartons of
Half & Half?
I'd like to personally thank the person who looked at a
beehive and thought, "Those little bastards are hiding
something delicious in there, I just know it."
Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen.
Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and
getting an online degree in refrigerator repair.?
Being an adult is basically just doing tons of chores
without ever getting an allowance..
Human brain is the most
outstanding object in world..
It functions 24 hours a day,
365 days a year..
It functions right from the time we are born,
and stop only when we enter the examination hall..
*Sees neighbor make two trips from the car with her
groceries instead of breaking her arms to bring them
in all at once*
"Pfff. What an amateur."
I can never keep anything clean..
I should just wear army fatigues for the rest of my
life so the stains don't stand out so much..
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do!
Who do you think changes the water?
[ first day as coast guard ]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today..
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is