Dogs may not be able to use the Internet but they do have
When they go outside they always want to check their
messages and leave a status update..
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy..
4y/o: But we're family!
Me: Families don't watch each other go poop..
4:You watch me poop!
Me:...take a seat.....
A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs..
After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough
explosive in this envelope?
“I don’t know,” said the other..
“Open it and see..”
“But it will explode..”
“Don’t be stupid!..... It’s not addressed to you!
I have a job..
I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club..
That's not much, but it's all I can afford..
I'm going to make love to you all the way into next week !......
I said to my wife at 11:59 on Sunday night..
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as
his lease was coming to an end for the home where he lived
but was having difficulty in finding a new home..
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home
to him because they knew that the children would destroy
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie,
after all, lawyers can not and do not lie..
So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the
cemetery with 11 children..
He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the
Real Estate Agent..
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked,
"How many children do you have ?"
He answered, "12 children."
The agent asked, "Where are the others ?"
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the
cemetery with their mother."
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family
MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose
the right words..
Lawyers don't lie... they are creative..
When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working,
I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard
or hardly hurting..
I got this new calorie-counting app..
Each day I go for a new high score..
A haircolorist recently passed away...
Her ashes were placed in a bottle of clairol..
It was her dyeing wish..
A friend asked me if I know any good diet..
I said - Just eat 3 oz of meat with lots of vegetables..
She said - Is that before meals or after?