Friday, August 14, 2015



*runs into restaurant*
"I'm a doctor.."
Nice.. Nice.. 
Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor..

Give me one reason why I shouldn't pass this math 
"You held up 2 fingers just now.."
Ok, then give me that many reasons.. 

DOCTOR: "Ok, now PUSH!"
WOMAN IN LABOR: "Should I be doing this in my 
DR: [leaning out of car window] "Less talky, 
more pushy.." 

I'm gonna start giving bad news to people in that 
cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.. 

your so ugly... 
Your mom tried to drag you from the hospital to 
planned parenthood ... 

She gets angry a lot
"He took me camping and left me in the middle 
of nowhere"

Q: What's black and white and red all over? 
A: An embarrassed zebra!

I sure hope my wife appreciates...
all the time, effort and thought I put into finding the 
perfect anniversary gift for her at this gas station..

People who say "I hate to bother you"…
need to learn to hate it a little bit more..

When my wife quit work to take care of our new 
baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo 
and other games slowly took their toll..
One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on 
the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, 
sank to the floor..
I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt..
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and 
managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

"Boss, I've got a probl-" 
"There are no such things as problems, 
only opportunities" 
"Oh, ok...I've got a serious drinking opportunity"..