Monday, August 3, 2015



Remove all the safety labels 
Off of every product ever created and just let nature 
run it's course.

I quit my position in treadmill sales. 
I just felt like the job was going nowhere. 

That whole birthing process came as such a shock 
to me, I couldn't speak for two years. 

My wife called me a braggart yesterday. 
I left the house and drove away
in my new Mercedes.........nineteen inch rims. 

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey 
asks him what the hell is wrong with you? 
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I 
finally lost them" 
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?" 
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops 
showed up to arrest me!" 
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey, 
"Thats what I thought," said Ray. 
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought 
it was"

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vic who?
Vic a card, any card!

The term for an unwashed wine connoisseur is ‘smellier'.

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, 
in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. 
He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up 
tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is 
obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that 
he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the 
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this 
to me! I'm an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well soon you will be 
Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is 
like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.

Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... 
sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your 
But fart just one time...